And so I find myself making a post; long-overdue, as Tin would like to remind me. Well, she does have a point, since she’s made more posts than I have considering she’s busier.
As an excuse, I will say, not for lack of trying. In fact, there should be several here already after the “Ruminations” entry, only problem was they came to me during office hours and I just… don’t want to write it down when at work.
And now I’m stuck in the “what should I write?” dilemma. A lot and none at the same time. Since the last entry there has been both much and little that has happened in my life. I’ve noticed of course that I’m rather just… cruising along. I don’t know. I guess its just one of those phases.
Well, what does one do after serving in the Philippine youth movement for some six years or so? When everything just seems so… irrelevant… where does one turn to? Do I forsake my decision late in college and return to my initial career path? Most certainly I think my resume is enough to get me back to the ad agencies, or maybe with one of the mags or dailies. Do I really mean what I said about becoming a barista? My best friend said I won’t last long in any corporate setting because I crave being part of the action, of being on the front lines of trying to save this sorry Republic from itself.
Hmm. I hope that Boracay stratplan pushes through. Ok, I can settle for Puerto Galera. God knows I need that. I need to think, I need to reasses. I’ve realized I’m Oh-My-God 27 and I;ve begin questioning what I’m doing with my life. I guess part of the blame here should fall on my good, ol’ friend from the Ateneo, Benjo. Its easy to dismiss certain concepts when it comes from “normal” channels, but when the input comes from someone you know comes from the same background – youth movement, Sanggu – and is as passionate for his advocacy as you are to yours… you really get to thinking. And maybe becuase when Benj decided to share how he’s begun thinking about what he’s doing with his life, I was thinking the same thing and there he was, giving voice to what I was trying soooo hard to not think about.
Because, my Mentat protocols may come to a conclusion I won’t like. Heh, funny, that: the very skills and talents I’ve used in my six years of service to the Republic may end up giving me the push that sends me falling into retirement…
I’ve located my most recent diary, and some of the last entries were sometime after Reggie’s marriage. True, I’ve stopped making my best friend the center of my existence long before she got married to someone who wasn’t me (duh) but… maybe that’s where it all started. I’ve been in a daze, trying to find meaning in it all. What am I fighting for? Why am I fighting for what the hell that is I’m fighting for? Does anyone even care I’m doing this?
Its… it’s just that it is getting so hard to wake up every morning to find a reason to do so. Or at least to get up and go to the Party Headquarters. So hard to move when one is demoralized. So hard to care.
And have you seen what the government is doing for poor little Pilipinas? Ay, caramba.
My thoughts seem so disjointed. Indeed, there is a deeper history behind those words. Some are connected with national events, some are personal. In the following days, maybe I’ll show you more, so it all becomes clear in the end.